But I never knew they got a new phone number so I couldn't talk to her. I'd been missing her a lot and thinking about her lately. She really did change me and it was all good things. I appreciate things sooooooooooooo much more because she helped me realize how selfish I was back then. I hadn't spoken to her in three years, hadn't seen her in four so she didn't know ANYTHING that had happened to me within that time. And within those three years I'd learned more than I have in ten years. I was really mean to her and there are definitely things I wish I'd have done differently but there's nothing I can do about it now. Dave said she told him she knew that I never hated her and that I loved her and she understood. It's not the whole guilt thing I'm trippin most over...


I wanted to prove to her that I'm not just a spoiled brat. I wanted to show her the young woman I've become.



I wanted to show her me.
The way only I can. And I wanted to see her.



But now she's gone...and the last thing I ever heard from her was the clicking of her hanging up the phone because I hurt her so bad...


I do love you so much and I already miss you terribly. More than I did before. When gramma picked me up from school early and told me, I almost threw up and I fell to the ground because I just couldn't walk.



Autumn Marie Chapman...
The woman who gave birth to me...
My mother died today in a car crash.



And I never got to clear things up with her. I'm okay, I'm still in that stage of shock where you're so shocked you're still numb but I have amazing people around me and I'm out of school for the rest of the week so I'll be fine. I'm going to Arizona for the service and to see my step dad. Not completely sure when yet but soon. Not completely sure why I wanted to post this. Maybe I want your sympathy because I've never had to deal with something like this. Maybe I just needed to vent. I'm not sure. But either way, this will probably explain any strange behavior you might see from me.

"I mean, Jess was just to see where it went, and I had no intention of all this now, but we grew hella closer. But I'm telling you and I'm not bullshitting your emotions like some people do. If things were different, I would fucking marry you. You're soo amazing and make a wonderful significant other. If things turned out different, I could fall for you."


When I read that, my heart stopped. Really. I got hella nauseous and my breathing changed. I almost couldn't handle hearing that from him. Like, it makes me so happy that I can't cry about it. I wish I could explain it better. I wish I could tell you everything that goes through my mind whenever you're around. I wish you could see inside my head. I wish I knew how to show you the things you make me feel, because they're definitely what I get up for in the morning. I wish there was a way to tell you how much I love you. Because I'd sit on that bench in front of Lucky's for a lifetime and a half if it meant you could see just how much you truly mean to me<3

Trying to tell me I burned The Forbidden? James' Forbidden of all things?! No. I don't think so. I'm not the one who took 15 barbituates and dropped the gilly pipe ONTO THE FLAME. I admit, I haven't been doing it as long as you, but you need to get your shit straight. You're the one constantly saying, "Oh, Cheyenne knows EXACTLY what she's doing. Hella pro tweaker!" My clouds are bigger than yours half the time. Stfu. And now James is upset because all his money's gone. Great. Thanks a lot BROTHER.

To put the gilly pipe down for a while. I can't handle this. It's too much. This is very similar to my first bad trip on acid except now I can't breathe right. No more for a while.

"Yeah, I know we did."







See you soon mah little pipe dream <33

But that's only because I love him<3. Damn though, last night/this morning WAS amazing. I would love to do every bit of that AGAIN. I'm so down. lol. I'm getting a little more delirious than usual though so I'm gonna go to bed.

I know it's ridiculous, but I can't help but feel this bulletin is directed towards me in a sense. She's been his girl but...he said I was his girl too. And if he's talking to her like that...where does that leave me? Last night was seriously one of the greatest nights I've ever had, if not the greatest. I love him so much and yet...he stays with her. I understand he has an obligation because of the baby but...I don't see how he could still love her so much after everything she puts him through DAILY.




Whoa. Look at what I've gotten myself into. I never saw this coming...

But as soon as I see him, my heart jumps out of my chest, into my throat, out of my mouth and to my feet. If I look at his pictures, it just depresses me because a lot of his pictures are with her. I don't say that in a mean tone either, I love her to death. I'm just terribly jealous. But he doesn't understand this. I know he doesn't because I never show it. I'm too scared to show it because I'm not sure how much he loves me and I don't wanna scare him away. I think too much when he's around because I'm so afraid of doing something wrong. I don't even know why I'm typing this up right now. I need a cigarette.

Really. I shouldn't but I do. Something about it is upsetting me though. I'm so afraid of him having to push me away someday. I'm kinda afraid of him not really loving me. I have so many doubts I want him to get rid of. I just want him to hold me and tell me he loves me after something like that instead of sitting next to me on the couch in his boxers eating a bowl of Life cereal. :/ That also gives me doubts about him loving me. Plus he was drunk. He does a lot of things with me when he's drunk. Our first kiss was when he was drunk. He told me he was gonna leave Jessica for me when we were drunk. Then we had sex when he was drunk. Fuck my life. I just want him to love me as much as I love him...

This is getting a little scary. If it gets worse, I'll contact Haze for help. :/ But for now, I just want a little more. I have no lighter, money, or Shit. Wtf am I gonna do at Lovefest if I have no money? Ugh. I don't even know. That's not for another two days so I have time to figure it out. But for right now, I need some company. But I can't get a hold of anyone. What to dooooooooooo?

Was actually pretty cool. :] Maybe not the actual day, but the rest of the week has been pretty amazing. <3 I LOVE my friends.

Kickin it at Bryanna's house is fun. Hayden and James are here. :] They make me very happy. I'm 16 now wtf? That's so crazy. I lived to be 16 and I'm still in school? Crazy dude. I don't even know. Well, we're about to have a cuddle puddle because I'm Shwee Muuse and I said so. :]

The worst shit EVER happens. Last year I had hella bad tonsilitis. This year Lacey and I got in our worst fight EVER and she had the ability to ruin mine, James' and Jessica's lives and she threatened to do it. I can't believe her. This is such bullshit. I'm just looking forward to getting fucked up so it can all go away for a little bit. Ahahaha Karalee's gonna spend my birthday with me instead of Lacey. I'm done being mean to her so I'm not gonna post that last thought I had. But god damn. Fuck my life, where's the booze? I'm so tired of this all. I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I'm so confused. :/

When I read that, I could feel and hear him saying it. And it was one of the most amazing things I've ever felt. Every day I see him, the whole walk home I have a smile on my face. Only he can make me feel that way nowadays. And I love it. I wish I could stay like this forever. He thinks we can, but idk. Either way, I'm happy because if we never get together, then I still have such an amazing friend. But if we do, I'll have the only guy I want. Fuckin shit he's so cute<3

Or babe, or baby girl, or his girl or Shwee, or Shwee Muuse. But it's even better when he calls me Cheyenne.





I just love him<3 And I 'ope Jessica quits her shinanigans right quick so he's not so upset anymore. Seeing him cry today just broke my heart...like really. I didn't think it was possible. He's so...together. And strong. And NOTHING phases him. I'm so jealous of her. I wish I meant that much to him. But I'm glad we're best friends. Or whatever it was he called us. :] lol. ♥

Is exactly what she fuckin said to me. After the very same day she was saying shit to me like, "You never know Cheyenne, we might just run away to Japan and get married." So I said, "Well even if that did happen, it wouldn't happen for a while..." And she said, "No. Cause I want to get married young and you're the only person I could ever think of marrying because you're the only person I could ever get that close to and want to get that close to. And I don't care if my mom finds out." But she tries for the ugly, sex crazy guy she's known for maybe a month. Hmm...something's not right here. I trust her...I really do. It's just upsetting to know that almost any girl will choose a guy over me. But Lacey says she doesn't want me to get a sex change because then I wouldn't be me. Well maybe I wouldn't want to get one if you didn't make me feel like you will ALWAYS choose the one thing I can never truly be, a guy. You know how when you get hurt REALLY bad you go into shock and you can't feel it? Well, that's kinda where I am right now. Except the shock is starting to wear off. Everytime I fall asleep, I can't help but dream about them being together. I killed Hayden in one of the last ones. Then I couldn't find Lacey so it was scary. Fuck. I just don't know anymore. I just need to go to the city and walk around alone. Maybe meet up with Jack and K later. But I seriously can't stay here. I know if I leave, I'm going to constantly wonder what they're doing and how often they're having sex and all this other shit but I'm not gonna sit here and act like I'm okay.

She told me that if she wanted a relationship, she'd pick me first because she barely knows Hayden and she loves me and knows our relationship would last longer and be a better one because we have a special bond. So it's all good. :] She's mine, I'm hers, and nothing will EVER change that. Not even my brother. As much as I love him, I just can't let him pull something like that on me and her.

Someone had to step in randomly and take away the person I'm trying to get with. Except this time it wasn't just one of the people I have feelings for, it was all three. Really now. James I could let slide, Kaylin...maybe. But not Lacey. She is mine and has been for three years. Get you and your fat jew nose out of mine and her relationship. You really almost stole everything I'd been working for for years. I can't believe you. You don't listen to anyone, you only hear what you want to hear. Then you manipulate and twist the story until it sounds like it's going to benefit you completely. Even if it's the opposite of what someone said. I seriously can't describe my feelings for Lacey, and she can't describe hers for me. I wish I could because if I were in your position and I saw exactly how I feel for Lacey, I'd back off. I really would. That's something completely and utterly special that no one can break but they can breach it. And you said it yourself, "Ever since having sex with Lacey, I've been sex crazy almost." It's not my fault I have good taste and you're just always a little too late. But seriously, get your own fuckin girl. I've been trying for THREE FUCKING YEARS to really get with Lacey. And I'm not letting you of all people ruin it for me.

And I need to go to bed. This is ridiculous. lol. But I'm in such a good mood I think it's hilarious. I hope me and Lacey get back together. :] I really do. If Kaylin and I were meant to hook up, it'll happen whether I'm waiting or not. Same thing with James. I'll always have feelings for them so we'll see. But I need my Lacey love. We really are gonna live together and die together. Just like me and Victoria promised. Omg we hella did promise that. Wtf? I gotta talk to her tomorrow. Omg here I go again well I'm getting off now. Ahahahaha good night. 

And having to go to school the next day isn't very fun. So I decided not to go to school. I really gotta stop doing this.